not having the right rug..

I am not having a good day today. It's been very odd to feel this rotten all day, and event after event turning out worse than one before. loosing sales, because of buyers cats! not finding the right merchandise drives me off the walls for people who have cats that destroy rugs. Having the ethical dilemma of telling prospect buyers that, what I have is not the right merchandise, for them verses needing the money that I could have made, ended with my morality weighing much heavier than wanting the money. some may say that I've made a bad business decision, but I could not live with myself if clients had their rug destroyed in few months.. which should last at least 50-75 years in the absence of cats who wants to destroy it. I am going to find the rightly constructed item for them, I know I won't be making one fifth of the profit that I could have, but somethings are priceless. I know I will sleep better tonight, despite the stomach ache that I had all day trying to figure it out. I wanted to kill the cats, but I love cats, I wanted to sell the rug , I own it, it looks great in the house, it is the rug for the job, but I respect the rug, I respect my clients, and I respect myself.. so no sale, I am working still on the computer and trying to get the right rug with the similar colouring.. what a day...I will be very happy when I close my eyes and let this day go tonight....

if you are wondering, yes it is the rug (large one on the wall ) conspired all this, morality, loss, stomach upset ect.

genuine love

Autumn again. Cold breeze, cloudy skies, crisp mornings. First frost hit two days ago. As I got home I remembered my tomatoes and peppers. Spent most of my summer adoring my mothers day garden that put together by my sweet 7 year old and Frank, my adorable husband. Every evening after work I would sit next to honey dews, peppers and my 4 foot tall tomatoes and herbs to have my glass of wine and a cigarette, my favorite time of the day.. now it is mostly gone, gave in to the harsh frost ,  I have mourned for loved ones, my pets, unfortunate ones around the globe, but frankly, I have never mourned plants before... oddly enough as I picked green un ripened tomatoes, I felt like crying, kissing lifeless branches of my tall plants and feeling really sorry for summer lost, and my friends gone. I felt silly for feeling this way but I did. It was genuine love that I felt for my tomatoes, they were beautiful, feed us with their sweetness, made my friends smile as late summer gifts. I must be getting real softy as I get older, but , I like my older self, I like how genuine the love I feel as I get older for my plants, for my boys, for the whole world.  

It is raining today, which is a novelty here, it is the desert after all. It could be said that feels gloomy with gray skies, but I don't feel gloomy. I am yearning for snow to come down and leaves to fall, to get ready for the spring time. To my amazement, I do like winter as I grow older, I am looking forward to going home and starting my wood burning stove. Life is good, and I am blessed.

Spring

Sky is bluer than any blue I have ever seen today, sun is crisper, all the plant world is awakening with scents that I have forgotten since last year. Makes me feel alive.. Heard that an old family friend passed away, to a better place I hope, he was in pain for a long time. Haven't seen him in 20 years, but, his voice was ringing in my ears and image of his smile in my head, made me smile so wide I could not believe my own mouth. Alive or dead, what makes us connected is ones image in our head or in our hearts, they live there forever, at least as long as we are alive. I will light a candle for his beautiful soul and send out my own unique prayers for making me think deep and realize how wonderful place the earth is regardless of it's pain and suffering there is always spring time.