Monday, October 5, 2009

Taj Mahal

I realized that, its been a year since I post something on to my blog.. Another birthday passed and I feel pretty good!. Life is getting better as I get older to my amazement. I feel more and more of who I am, not what other people want me to be. Just myself, just the way i want to be! Very empowering discovery as one gets older. I have more time to do meaningful things instead of trying to please some one else with my outlook or my behavior, which lead me to many disappointments and resentments towards them or to myself. I love getting old, I can flat out tell some one to "piss off" if I choose to and mean it, when I say I love you I mean it, really I do. ..Knowing my limits on when to say when and having the experience to know when I follow my head instead of listening my gut,I don't go too far, is priceless. Knowing what femininity means to the core, and not to take advantage of it but being able to really nurture, instead of mixing the ideas of sex and nurturing. Loving one from your core instead of your mind or your genitals.. Aging is a great thing. I realize my body does not bounce back as quickly and there are wrinkles on my face, but ones temple should have character, generic temples could be had in a plastic surgeons office for the right price, unique temples are priceless, look at "taj mahal".

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

It is one of those days..
Today I lost a friend .. she passed away peacefully with all her loved ones surrounding her.
Two weeks ago, another friend passed , he was all alone in a hospice yet he had a great smile on his face according to his mother, who saw him 3 hours after he passed.
Month ago an acquaintance of mine decided to kill himself out of the blue. I saw him week prior to his death and my conversations with him was very pleasant , he was happy and life was never been better..
Few months ago, another friend killed himself by jumping off a bridge, he could not bare the thought of his wife leaving him, left two young children behind.
Few months ago friends son shot himself, cause is unknown 25 year old , gone.
almost a year ago, my moms sister whom I love dearly, died, 6000 miles away, could not go, tickets are too expensive. month later to my aunts death , my dads brother whom I love dies, could not go too far too expensive.
Around the same time my ex boss whom I respect and loved suddenly dies, from pancreatic cancer. We were going to have lunch ... never happened. Same time dear friends mom passes away, who were to have lunch with me as well.. gone ,done, never, ever. don't ever call me for lunch date..
One can say that I have been having a pretty tough year or so.I felt that way till today. Today I think I am very lucky to be alive! I am not numb towards death, I am finally starting to except death as a part of life, instead of asking the un-explainable "why" . Seeing my friend at her living room laid out peaceful as one can lay. surrounded with candles, flowers, petals at her bosom , touching her lifeless forehead feeling her fragile being under my palm showed me how vulnerable we are against life, how real death is and what sobering experience to see it feel it, touch it! There is nothing there but to except it , no denials no bitching and moaning, it is right under my palm her fragile forehead....cold, lifeless , but it was her never the less.
Came home, put my 5 year old to sleep, full of life warmth under my palm, kissed him, listened to his stories, breathe his scent deeply in to my lungs as if to bring life back to my girlfriends lifeless image of her body in my head some where. Curled up with him till he fell in to sleep peaceful... realized how similar she looked to a sleeping innocent child. There is so much for me to learn from my child about life , he is the new teacher in my life.. I am thankful to have him .. thankful to have my husband to help me bring him to this life, he is my continuum .. he is my eternity, he is my teacher.
Here is to life, with all that it offers...