not having the right rug..

I am not having a good day today. It's been very odd to feel this rotten all day, and event after event turning out worse than one before. loosing sales, because of buyers cats! not finding the right merchandise drives me off the walls for people who have cats that destroy rugs. Having the ethical dilemma of telling prospect buyers that, what I have is not the right merchandise, for them verses needing the money that I could have made, ended with my morality weighing much heavier than wanting the money. some may say that I've made a bad business decision, but I could not live with myself if clients had their rug destroyed in few months.. which should last at least 50-75 years in the absence of cats who wants to destroy it. I am going to find the rightly constructed item for them, I know I won't be making one fifth of the profit that I could have, but somethings are priceless. I know I will sleep better tonight, despite the stomach ache that I had all day trying to figure it out. I wanted to kill the cats, but I love cats, I wanted to sell the rug , I own it, it looks great in the house, it is the rug for the job, but I respect the rug, I respect my clients, and I respect myself.. so no sale, I am working still on the computer and trying to get the right rug with the similar colouring.. what a day...I will be very happy when I close my eyes and let this day go tonight....

if you are wondering, yes it is the rug (large one on the wall ) conspired all this, morality, loss, stomach upset ect.

genuine love

Autumn again. Cold breeze, cloudy skies, crisp mornings. First frost hit two days ago. As I got home I remembered my tomatoes and peppers. Spent most of my summer adoring my mothers day garden that put together by my sweet 7 year old and Frank, my adorable husband. Every evening after work I would sit next to honey dews, peppers and my 4 foot tall tomatoes and herbs to have my glass of wine and a cigarette, my favorite time of the day.. now it is mostly gone, gave in to the harsh frost ,  I have mourned for loved ones, my pets, unfortunate ones around the globe, but frankly, I have never mourned plants before... oddly enough as I picked green un ripened tomatoes, I felt like crying, kissing lifeless branches of my tall plants and feeling really sorry for summer lost, and my friends gone. I felt silly for feeling this way but I did. It was genuine love that I felt for my tomatoes, they were beautiful, feed us with their sweetness, made my friends smile as late summer gifts. I must be getting real softy as I get older, but , I like my older self, I like how genuine the love I feel as I get older for my plants, for my boys, for the whole world.  

It is raining today, which is a novelty here, it is the desert after all. It could be said that feels gloomy with gray skies, but I don't feel gloomy. I am yearning for snow to come down and leaves to fall, to get ready for the spring time. To my amazement, I do like winter as I grow older, I am looking forward to going home and starting my wood burning stove. Life is good, and I am blessed.

Spring

Sky is bluer than any blue I have ever seen today, sun is crisper, all the plant world is awakening with scents that I have forgotten since last year. Makes me feel alive.. Heard that an old family friend passed away, to a better place I hope, he was in pain for a long time. Haven't seen him in 20 years, but, his voice was ringing in my ears and image of his smile in my head, made me smile so wide I could not believe my own mouth. Alive or dead, what makes us connected is ones image in our head or in our hearts, they live there forever, at least as long as we are alive. I will light a candle for his beautiful soul and send out my own unique prayers for making me think deep and realize how wonderful place the earth is regardless of it's pain and suffering there is always spring time.

Taj Mahal

I realized that, its been a year since I post something on to my blog.. Another birthday passed and I feel pretty good!. Life is getting better as I get older to my amazement. I feel more and more of who I am, not what other people want me to be. Just myself, just the way i want to be! Very empowering discovery as one gets older. I have more time to do meaningful things instead of trying to please some one else with my outlook or my behavior, which lead me to many disappointments and resentments towards them or to myself. I love getting old, I can flat out tell some one to "piss off" if I choose to and mean it, when I say I love you I mean it, really I do. ..Knowing my limits on when to say when and having the experience to know when I follow my head instead of listening my gut,I don't go too far, is priceless. Knowing what femininity means to the core, and not to take advantage of it but being able to really nurture, instead of mixing the ideas of sex and nurturing. Loving one from your core instead of your mind or your genitals.. Aging is a great thing. I realize my body does not bounce back as quickly and there are wrinkles on my face, but ones temple should have character, generic temples could be had in a plastic surgeons office for the right price, unique temples are priceless, look at "taj mahal".

It is one of those days..
Today I lost a friend .. she passed away peacefully with all her loved ones surrounding her.
Two weeks ago, another friend passed , he was all alone in a hospice yet he had a great smile on his face according to his mother, who saw him 3 hours after he passed.
Month ago an acquaintance of mine decided to kill himself out of the blue. I saw him week prior to his death and my conversations with him was very pleasant , he was happy and life was never been better..
Few months ago, another friend killed himself by jumping off a bridge, he could not bare the thought of his wife leaving him, left two young children behind.
Few months ago friends son shot himself, cause is unknown 25 year old , gone.
almost a year ago, my moms sister whom I love dearly, died, 6000 miles away, could not go, tickets are too expensive. month later to my aunts death , my dads brother whom I love dies, could not go too far too expensive.
Around the same time my ex boss whom I respect and loved suddenly dies, from pancreatic cancer. We were going to have lunch ... never happened. Same time dear friends mom passes away, who were to have lunch with me as well.. gone ,done, never, ever. don't ever call me for lunch date..
One can say that I have been having a pretty tough year or so.I felt that way till today. Today I think I am very lucky to be alive! I am not numb towards death, I am finally starting to except death as a part of life, instead of asking the un-explainable "why" . Seeing my friend at her living room laid out peaceful as one can lay. surrounded with candles, flowers, petals at her bosom , touching her lifeless forehead feeling her fragile being under my palm showed me how vulnerable we are against life, how real death is and what sobering experience to see it feel it, touch it! There is nothing there but to except it , no denials no bitching and moaning, it is right under my palm her fragile forehead....cold, lifeless , but it was her never the less.
Came home, put my 5 year old to sleep, full of life warmth under my palm, kissed him, listened to his stories, breathe his scent deeply in to my lungs as if to bring life back to my girlfriends lifeless image of her body in my head some where. Curled up with him till he fell in to sleep peaceful... realized how similar she looked to a sleeping innocent child. There is so much for me to learn from my child about life , he is the new teacher in my life.. I am thankful to have him .. thankful to have my husband to help me bring him to this life, he is my continuum .. he is my eternity, he is my teacher.
Here is to life, with all that it offers...

Birthday

Today is my birthday.. I am very happy. I am not doing anything "SPECIAL". I am spending my day at my backyard being with my plants that I love and thinking about my life.
I realized how happy I am and how much happier I get as I get older. I have a beautiful son and a man I love. All my immediate family is good health! what else do one want..
I am profoundly happy.